


The JOHNNY WEIR Owner's Manual

by sk8rpssockpup (MissIzzy)



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Gen, Humor, Owner's Manual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-05
Updated: 2008-01-05
Packaged: 2017-12-26 09:16:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/964236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissIzzy/pseuds/sk8rpssockpup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Instructions for the proper operation of your figure skater.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The JOHNNY WEIR Owner's Manual

**Author's Note:**

> Based off various owner's manuals from around the net.

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a JOHNNY WEIR unit. To get the most out of your figure skater, please read this manual and follow the instructions carefully.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:

Name: John Garvin Weir

Type: Mens Singles Skater, American

Manufacturer: Ice Princesses, Inc.

Date of Manufacture: July 2, 1984

Height: 172 cm

Length: That's private. However, any claims by an EVAN LYSACEK unit that it is shorter than his own should be treated with skepticism.

ACCESSORIES:

JOHNNY comes with the following accessories:

a. Figure skates with Louis Vuitton-patterned skate guards  
b. Louis Vuitton messenger bag  
c. Russian team jacket and Soviet warm-up jersey  
d. Designer sunglasses  
e. iPod  
f. Black practice outfit with silver Russian lettering  
g. Several changes of wardrobe and sparkly, glittery, velvet skating costumes  
h. Swiffer wet-jet and accompanying supplies

Note that as well as requiring new skates yearly, as is usual for a skating unit, he will want to purchase more of b., d., and g. on a regular basis, and this will require a considerable addition to his maintenance budget.

INSTALLATION/OPERATION:

Before powering up your JOHNNY unit, make sure the environment around him will be pleasing. Have an ice rink nearby, play Christina Aguilera or Lady Gaga music, and check your own person to make sure you do not look unkempt and that your outfit does not clash. Also check his hair to make sure it is neat and orderly; he will become distressed otherwise. You may speak to him in either English or Russian.  
He probably will not respond to commands from you or from very many other people; it will be necessary to purchase a coaching unit, preferably a Russian model, as he will be more obedient towards them. With a compatible coach and other similar units, however, you will get on-ice results rivaled by very few other singles skating units. For best results use a GALINA ZMIEVSKAYA coaching unit in tandem with a VIKTOR PETRENKO unit. You will probably want to rent JOHNNY out for performances as this will go a long way towards paying his maintenance budget. Whether you wish to utilize the use of the TARA MODLIN-KING model in this capacity is up to you.  
As well as normal skating functions, the JOHNNY model is also programmed for housekeeping and fashion design/critique functions. Left alone, he will be wonderful in keeping your house sparkling clean. Also allow him to advise you on what to wear; he has good taste. New column writing functions are currently in beta testing.

CLEANING

The JOHNNY model is self-cleaning and will by nature keep his high quality skin and hair in pristine condition. His beauty supplies, however, will occupy another large section of his maintenance budget.

COMPATIBILITY:

JOHNNY has 4 basic modes of interaction: 

*Friendly  
*Diplomatic  
*Bitchy  
*Depressed  
*Skating Zone

**But what about Slash Mode?**  
Those familiar with the programming of models may be confused at the lack of a Slash Mode. However, the designers of the JOHNNY model have managed to include all the attributes of the usual Slash Mode within JOHNNY's basic programming; therefore, no need for a separate mode. In fact, he may considered to always be in Slash Mode. Note that this will not hinder most interactions with female units; in fact, he has a particular compatibility with Russian and ex-Russian females, even more so than with the males.

When in Friendly Mode JOHNNY is compatible with most other units, particularly Russian models. However, there are some exceptions; his interaction should be limited with the most recent versions of the EVAN LYSACEK model, although earlier versions of this model are okay. Similar care should be taken with pre-2011 versions of the model and his interaction with certain ice dancing double-sets, particularly the MELISSA GREGORY-DENIS PETUKHOV double-set. Although JOHNNY is very compatible with them in all of his own modes, if DENIS is in Slash Mode MELISSA must be either set to her own Slash Mode or to her Playful Mode, or the results will be extremely detrimental to the ice dancers. Alternatively, you may set both of them to their Threesome Mode; the results are arguably sexier anyway.  
Note the presence of interviewers, reporters, or incompatible models may cause JOHNNY to automatically set to either Diplomatic Mode or Bitchy Mode. Diplomatic Mode is the default for general news reporters, but Bitchy Mode is more likely with skating media personnel. This is a particular danger with the PETER CARRUTHERS model. In Diplomatic Mode, he will usually work well, but his political opinions will be fixed, and some may take offense. We do not advise any attempts to change his mind; rather those who take offense will simply have to live with it. When in Bitchy Mode he has immense value as an entertainer, but should be kept away from unfamiliar units, particularly other American ones, as they may have adverse reactions.  
When in Depressed Mode, it may be necessary to provide pre-2011 versions of the model with the company of another male skater set to Slash Mode. Note that the company of an EVAN unit, even one in Slash Mode, may fail to cheer him up, and may in fact leave them both distressed. Post-2011 versions of the model are easier to manage; they must be provided with a VIKTOR VORONOV model, and possibly encouraged to put away item h.  
When in Skating Zone Mode, not only will he not interact with most units, but they should not be allowed to interact with him, as this will disrupt his concentration functions. However, as well as responding to the usual coaching, choreographing, and other similar units he will still interact with a GREGORY-PETUKHOV double-set or YU-NA KIM model if they are put on the ice with him, and in fact may induce standing ovations from anyone in proximity.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: I've heard it's impossible to breed with a JOHNNY unit, but I don't want to give up on the hope. Is there any way to do it?

A: It might be possible with the aid of a turkey baster, but really, the wiser thing to do is purchase a Russian orphan girl unit.

Q: After skating, my JOHNNY has the habit of removing pieces of his costume, sometimes in random places. Is this normal?

A: This is a normal part of JOHNNY's programming. Instead of complaining, we advise taking your camera out.

Q: My JOHNNY was skating well, but now suddenly he's falling and looks like he's in pain.

A: JOHNNY is vulnerable to weaknesses in his left foot and back. If he is showing symptoms of injury in either, we do not advise telling him not to skate, not because it wouldn't be a good idea for him not to, but because he won't listen.

Q: My JOHNNY isn't injured, but he's skating badly every time he goes out there and he seems to continually be in Depressed Mode.

A: This is difficult but not permanent phase of JOHNNY's career cycle. If you have him working with a PRISCILLA HILL unit, exchange her for the GALINA model as quickly as possible. If this upsets her, provide her with a GREGORY-PETUKHOV double-set. Also closely monitor his interaction will all male pairs skating models as he may have recently developed a new incompatibility with one of them.

Q: JOHNNY won't land a quadruple toe loop and it's driving everyone around him crazy, but when asked about it he inevitably sets to Bitchy Mode and refuses to answer! 

A: Get them to stop asking about it and maybe he'll land it when noone's expecting it. Or trust your GALINA unit to take care of the problem. 

Q: My JOHNNY is trying the quad, but he never lands it. Plus he doesn't like rhinestones and sequins at all, isn't saying anything funny, and is he supposed to be blond? And why does he think he's Canadian?

A: You have been issued a JEFFREY BUTTLE unit by mistake. Please contact Ice Princesses, Inc. and we will provide you with an exchange. If you find you liked your JEFFREY unit, the model is also available for purchase in our catalog.

Q: JOHNNY is getting obsessive about cleaning my house and it's getting annoying. How do I get him to lay off? 

A: It is very difficult, but your best chance would probably be to place a VIKTOR VORONOV model and accompanying dogs and have them sit and watch him sadly. At the very least, it should cause him to pause and angst about it. 

Q: My JOHNNY is complaining about the interference of USFSA officials and that they're preventing him from skating in shows and not supporting him. Is there anything that can be done about this?

A: Unfortunately, there is no doing anything about those people. If your JOHNNY unit's skating can be brought up to full quality, however, there is relatively little they can do to him. This seems to be less of a problem with later versions of the model.

Unfortunately, Ice Princesses, Inc. is not able to guarantee any of its products.


End file.
